March 30, 2013, originally posted to Facebook
Day 4
The whites of the eyes a few shades lighter, now the color of pepto bismol and not fire engine red. Pain still there, but no crustiness when I woke up. Still a few percosets left and I will indeed be taking them as prescribed.
Depth still really comes and goes. Right now it's not there, nor was it there for a good portion of the day yesterday except isolated instances, which of course is causing me to panic. I must CHILL and remember this is likely the brain coping, and if the neurons fired at all, they should be able to fire again. I will try to get outside for a bit today to give my eyes some new input, but need to continue to lay low as I'm still not feeling that great.
It's very hard to not get incredibly depressed when reverting back to no depth. I have some exercises given to me by an old high school friend to help coax the brain into accepting the new view, and if it's still not there on monday I will call the surgeon and ask for advice.
So, sadly no new discoveries today as I'm back to the old 2d world. Hopefully not forever. Even if it goes away, I still have the other tremendous benefits of this surgery - no more double vision, so a clearer, calmer view of the world, and of course no more skewed eyes. That last one was the main reason for the surgery, and I have to remember that the depth was pure gravy (hell, this whole experience is pure gravy) but of course once you get a taste of something wonderful it's hard to go back. Not having "that eye" will still be a wonderful improvement to my quality of life, especially since I work in a job where I meet new people all the time and that eye contact and confidence is so important.
The other benefit I haven't even talked about yet is the stability of my gaze. I have had yet another condition from infancy called nastygmus, which means my eyes involuntarily move around all the time. I cannot focus on a single spot. A dot on the wall instantly becomes a scribble as my eyes move around jerkily beyond my control. This makes focusing my gaze impossible - I essentially take something in visually via repeated scans over the same spot, as opposed to being able to focus on it. My surgeon expressed some thought that this might be alleviated by the surgery, as it's believed to be a coping mechanism by the brain of the conflicted view that my double vision caused (plus also damage from the surgeries I had when an infant). I can say now that it has not gone away entirely, but it is BETTER, and this has added a sense of calmness to my mind and demeanor as well. I am hoping that as I heal this will improve yet again, to the point that I can maybe exert some control over those movements myself. I have been able to do a little of that over the years - back in high school I learned how to tell when my eyes would roll back in my head, and close my eyes in time, so I did not look like a total freak
One side effect I'm hoping to have from this experience is also improved balance. I love yoga and am very adept at the flexibility poses, but my balance is for sh*t. Always has been. Anyone who spends any time with me knows I'm a clumsy ox. I don't really feel good enough yet, and don't want to push myself, to try extensive yoga, but I did a couple standing poses yesterday and it does feel like my balance has improved as well. I look forward to exploring that space further as I get better. Being able to have a steady gaze on one spot is important, and I think the lack of conflicting view and presence of one field of view helps the physiology of balance, so it should be fun to try tree and eagle poses in a few weeks to see if there are any improvements.
So, best not to get depressed about depth as there are so many other benefits still revealing themselves. I will stay positive and try to coax the part of my brain responsible for sight to share the new experience with the rest of me and not shut down. Hopefully more good news on that front tomorrow.
Thanks again for your interest and enthusiasm. I think I will write up this experience in further detail and post it online, but because of my paranoia of losing depth at the moment I am severely limiting how much time I stare at flat screens. So, more later. :) Love to all.
DIVING INTO DEPTH: A 40-something's adventures in experiencing depth perception for the first time, and other illuminations on better living through reconstructive eye surgery
Monday, April 1, 2013
March 29, 2013
Day 3
originally posted to Facebook
I had a scare this morning when I woke up and the depth sensation was gone, and the world was back to its flat self. I walked around for a minute and things started to bulge out again. The return of this new view was reinforced with a corresponding wave of nausea. Clearly my brain is still figuring all of this out. I was staring at a mug yesterday, enjoying the feeling of volume and shape ... and suddenly almost threw up.
There's a lot more discomfort today, including occasional sharp stabs of pain in the eye. I can't move my head without discomfort, nor can I strain at all to read anything (nor should I, of course). The font size I'm using right now is even comically larger than normal. I'm taking it extra easy today for sure.
On to the fun stuff... I went with Eliza to pick up Lyra yesterday, to have my first real taste of the outside world, and the world just seems ... HUGE. I had a continuing sensation of standing at the edge of a precipice looking down - I guess it's vertigo, but it's similar to that sensation people have when you're on a high place and feel like you're being pulled downward, like you could involuntarily plunge to your death. I had this while looking down the street.
On a more positive note, people walking down the street really stood out from the background in a unique way. The cars looked less like a single line of metal, and more like individual lumps, each their own entity. I'm going to run out of language to describe it all.
Looking into a mirror is very different, as I can sense the volume of the room behind me. I now have new appreciation for the idea of going "through" the looking glass. Even reflections have new depth. It's odd. My brain is so confused that I'm imagining extra depth from the images on TV.
People's bodies do look different too - that sense of volume again, coupled with movement, makes people really interesting to stare at. I will have to be careful about that. :) Faces are still recognizable but have unique new details and qualities.
Fabric is beautiful. My bathrobe hanging on the back of the door looks like a mountain range.
I heated up some lamb stew leftovers and after pulling the plate out of the microwave, the texture of this delicious dish turned my stomach. It looked horribly unappetizing, with all the sauce and meaty bits popping out in a grotesque way. I still ate it and it was still good, but I realized that even my relationship with food will change.
So, laying super low today, not stressing about the fluctuations. The double vision being gone is still a huge miracle, so even if the depth thing comes and goes, my view of the world is still forever changed in a positive way, and of course I still have solid, confident eye contact to look forward to. Thanks again for reading and for your interest in this experience. It's so great to be able to share it with you and to share the details of this journey. It's truly wonderful and I am so elevated. I can't wait to see you and have you know I'm truly, confidently looking AT you.
Day 3
originally posted to Facebook
I had a scare this morning when I woke up and the depth sensation was gone, and the world was back to its flat self. I walked around for a minute and things started to bulge out again. The return of this new view was reinforced with a corresponding wave of nausea. Clearly my brain is still figuring all of this out. I was staring at a mug yesterday, enjoying the feeling of volume and shape ... and suddenly almost threw up.
There's a lot more discomfort today, including occasional sharp stabs of pain in the eye. I can't move my head without discomfort, nor can I strain at all to read anything (nor should I, of course). The font size I'm using right now is even comically larger than normal. I'm taking it extra easy today for sure.
On to the fun stuff... I went with Eliza to pick up Lyra yesterday, to have my first real taste of the outside world, and the world just seems ... HUGE. I had a continuing sensation of standing at the edge of a precipice looking down - I guess it's vertigo, but it's similar to that sensation people have when you're on a high place and feel like you're being pulled downward, like you could involuntarily plunge to your death. I had this while looking down the street.
On a more positive note, people walking down the street really stood out from the background in a unique way. The cars looked less like a single line of metal, and more like individual lumps, each their own entity. I'm going to run out of language to describe it all.
Looking into a mirror is very different, as I can sense the volume of the room behind me. I now have new appreciation for the idea of going "through" the looking glass. Even reflections have new depth. It's odd. My brain is so confused that I'm imagining extra depth from the images on TV.
People's bodies do look different too - that sense of volume again, coupled with movement, makes people really interesting to stare at. I will have to be careful about that. :) Faces are still recognizable but have unique new details and qualities.
Fabric is beautiful. My bathrobe hanging on the back of the door looks like a mountain range.
I heated up some lamb stew leftovers and after pulling the plate out of the microwave, the texture of this delicious dish turned my stomach. It looked horribly unappetizing, with all the sauce and meaty bits popping out in a grotesque way. I still ate it and it was still good, but I realized that even my relationship with food will change.
So, laying super low today, not stressing about the fluctuations. The double vision being gone is still a huge miracle, so even if the depth thing comes and goes, my view of the world is still forever changed in a positive way, and of course I still have solid, confident eye contact to look forward to. Thanks again for reading and for your interest in this experience. It's so great to be able to share it with you and to share the details of this journey. It's truly wonderful and I am so elevated. I can't wait to see you and have you know I'm truly, confidently looking AT you.
March 28, 2013:
Day 2
Some pain, very crusty and swollen and serious pink eye. But I'm having so much fun with the new view I don't really care. The depth comes and goes, but when it's there it's quite amazing. A simple piece of bread now has a remarkable landscape. My arm reaching out from my shoulder seems to go on and on, like a suspension bridge cable. I was giddy making Lyra's lunch because the folds of ham are so beautiful.
Looking out the window, I have much more of an impression of the depth of space beyond - the window is separate from the next house in a way it wasn't before. It's not a revolutionary change, but evolutionary - I could sense depth before through the various "secondary cues" (perspective, occlusion, etc.), but I just have much more information now. But with that comes some very overwhelming feelings - pouring coffee was challenging. My brain is telling my body to move more slowly. I'm sure this will pass. I have to keep reminding myself this is real. Everything just has much more of a sense of volume and position in the world. It is especially prominent with movement, so Lyra tearing around the house is even more awesome to watch than ever.
Then there's the double vision - I still have a bit of it, but there is no more conflict between my eyes the way there used to be. The view is just more peaceful. With some luck, within two weeks I will not have that sensation either, and I can already perceive a single consistent view most of the time, whereas before my two eyes overlapped in a way that created tension and exhaustion in my brain.
It made me tear up this morning when Eliza looked at me and said "yeah, you're definitely looking at me". That feedback was immensely powerful for me. I feel different looking out at the world, knowing my eyes are not askew. That in itself has had a grounding experience on my mind. My mind is quieter.
Most peoples' experience with medicine is because something has broken or gone wrong and there is a struggle to get back to normal. I feel very lucky and privileged to be able to go into a hospital and come out with something actually IMPROVED. Having come to terms of acceptance with my lazy eye years ago, all of this strikes me as such a remarkable gift, and I do feel like a sea change in my life has occurred. Plus this just feels like the beginning.
Ok, sorry for the screed and thank you if you read this far. I am off to go giggle while opening and closing a cabinet.
Day 2
Some pain, very crusty and swollen and serious pink eye. But I'm having so much fun with the new view I don't really care. The depth comes and goes, but when it's there it's quite amazing. A simple piece of bread now has a remarkable landscape. My arm reaching out from my shoulder seems to go on and on, like a suspension bridge cable. I was giddy making Lyra's lunch because the folds of ham are so beautiful.
Looking out the window, I have much more of an impression of the depth of space beyond - the window is separate from the next house in a way it wasn't before. It's not a revolutionary change, but evolutionary - I could sense depth before through the various "secondary cues" (perspective, occlusion, etc.), but I just have much more information now. But with that comes some very overwhelming feelings - pouring coffee was challenging. My brain is telling my body to move more slowly. I'm sure this will pass. I have to keep reminding myself this is real. Everything just has much more of a sense of volume and position in the world. It is especially prominent with movement, so Lyra tearing around the house is even more awesome to watch than ever.
Then there's the double vision - I still have a bit of it, but there is no more conflict between my eyes the way there used to be. The view is just more peaceful. With some luck, within two weeks I will not have that sensation either, and I can already perceive a single consistent view most of the time, whereas before my two eyes overlapped in a way that created tension and exhaustion in my brain.
It made me tear up this morning when Eliza looked at me and said "yeah, you're definitely looking at me". That feedback was immensely powerful for me. I feel different looking out at the world, knowing my eyes are not askew. That in itself has had a grounding experience on my mind. My mind is quieter.
Most peoples' experience with medicine is because something has broken or gone wrong and there is a struggle to get back to normal. I feel very lucky and privileged to be able to go into a hospital and come out with something actually IMPROVED. Having come to terms of acceptance with my lazy eye years ago, all of this strikes me as such a remarkable gift, and I do feel like a sea change in my life has occurred. Plus this just feels like the beginning.
Ok, sorry for the screed and thank you if you read this far. I am off to go giggle while opening and closing a cabinet.
March 12, 2013:
It's official. I've been cleared for surgery. T-minus 2 weeks until Operation "Bye Bye Lazy Eye!"
http://www.aapos.org/terms/conditions/11
It's official. I've been cleared for surgery. T-minus 2 weeks until Operation "Bye Bye Lazy Eye!"
http://www.aapos.org/terms/conditions/11
My name is Peter Fernandez. This blog chronicles my recent adventures in corrective eye surgery and the unique experiences that followed. What was originally thought to be a pipe dream is revealing itself to be my new reality, and this experience has been both wonderful and challenging in ways i never anticipated. I publish it here to share the unique experience, give my friends and family a window into the way I see the world, and maybe to help others in a similar situation.
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