Diving into Depth

March 30, 2013, originally posted to Facebook

Day 4

The whites of the eyes a few shades lighter, now the color of pepto bismol and not fire engine red. Pain still there, but no crustiness when I woke up. Still a few percosets left and I will indeed be taking them as prescribed.

Depth still really comes and goes. Right now it's not there, nor was it there for a good portion of the day yesterday except isolated instances, which of course is causing me to panic. I must CHILL and remember this is likely the brain coping, and if the neurons fired at all, they should be able to fire again. I will try to get outside for a bit today to give my eyes some new input, but need to continue to lay low as I'm still not feeling that great.

It's very hard to not get incredibly depressed when reverting back to no depth. I have some exercises given to me by an old high school friend to help coax the brain into accepting the new view, and if it's still not there on monday I will call the surgeon and ask for advice. So, sadly no new discoveries today as I'm back to the old 2d world. Hopefully not forever. Even if it goes away, I still have the other tremendous benefits of this surgery - no more double vision, so a clearer, calmer view of the world, and of course no more skewed eyes. That last one was the main reason for the surgery, and I have to remember that the depth was pure gravy (hell, this whole experience is pure gravy) but of course once you get a taste of something wonderful it's hard to go back. Not having "that eye" will still be a wonderful improvement to my quality of life, especially since I work in a job where I meet new people all the time and that eye contact and confidence is so important.

The other benefit I haven't even talked about yet is the stability of my gaze. I have had yet another condition from infancy called nastygmus, which means my eyes involuntarily move around all the time. I cannot focus on a single spot. A dot on the wall instantly becomes a scribble as my eyes move around jerkily beyond my control. This makes focusing my gaze impossible - I essentially take something in visually via repeated scans over the same spot, as opposed to being able to focus on it. My surgeon expressed some thought that this might be alleviated by the surgery, as it's believed to be a coping mechanism by the brain of the conflicted view that my double vision caused (plus also damage from the surgeries I had when an infant). I can say now that it has not gone away entirely, but it is BETTER, and this has added a sense of calmness to my mind and demeanor as well. I am hoping that as I heal this will improve yet again, to the point that I can maybe exert some control over those movements myself. I have been able to do a little of that over the years - back in high school I learned how to tell when my eyes would roll back in my head, and close my eyes in time, so I did not look like a total freak

One side effect I'm hoping to have from this experience is also improved balance. I love yoga and am very adept at the flexibility poses, but my balance is for sh*t. Always has been. Anyone who spends any time with me knows I'm a clumsy ox. I don't really feel good enough yet, and don't want to push myself, to try extensive yoga, but I did a couple standing poses yesterday and it does feel like my balance has improved as well. I look forward to exploring that space further as I get better. Being able to have a steady gaze on one spot is important, and I think the lack of conflicting view and presence of one field of view helps the physiology of balance, so it should be fun to try tree and eagle poses in a few weeks to see if there are any improvements.

So, best not to get depressed about depth as there are so many other benefits still revealing themselves. I will stay positive and try to coax the part of my brain responsible for sight to share the new experience with the rest of me and not shut down. Hopefully more good news on that front tomorrow. Thanks again for your interest and enthusiasm. I think I will write up this experience in further detail and post it online, but because of my paranoia of losing depth at the moment I am severely limiting how much time I stare at flat screens. So, more later. :) Love to all.