Diving into Depth

Happy friday!

No depth at all yesterday, boo hoo. I hope this is not the start of a trend, but just a fluctuation due to my poor sleep. I am not despairing over it, but do feel a bit like a junkie craving the rush of that first high that came from the big bang of instant depth post surgery. I am doing some exercises given to me by a friend that are meant to help ease the brain into the new reality, and will be hitting up that friend for more if she has them. I guess it does help to feel I am doing something to help the situation, and I'm already becoming a broken record about this being an ongoing process. I must remember, it took a few billion years after the Big Bang for the Earth to be created. Actually, I'm not so sure that's comforting.

Now, nine days after surgery, there is zero pain, and barely any discomfort at all. I feel a sensation of the muscles of my left eye being a bit tight, especially when looking to the left, and I expect that's a result of the muscle straining on the inside toward my nose. I expect this is normal but will bring it up next week. The eye is a shade lighter pink today, so no longer the color of Pepto Bismol, but more of a pastel pink. Interestingly, it's white right above the iris, like my eye is wearing a little white beret. I don't know what that's about.

Terrible sleep last night again. Between running to and from work, I put in six miles, and I lifted weights for an hour, trying to knock myself out. I then ate two big bowls of cereal, hoping that the carbs and milk would help knock me out. I abstained from sleep meds, craving natural sleep. But unfortunately I tossed and turned all night. I have learned since yesterday that it's actually pretty common to have some sleeplessness after this eye surgery, so that is comforting. I'd sure like to have a good night's sleep without resorting to four gin and tonics tho. My energy level is generally back to normal, though I went easy on both my running pace and weight lifting just in case.

I ran in to work again today, and practiced viewing the world from a wider gaze as opposed to my old pan-and-scan techniques. It's working, and it was a lovely run in, with no twisted ankle. Interestingly, my double vision does creep back every now and again, especially when I'm tired. During the day, at worst I have about 5 degrees of double vision, about 10 degrees off from center, and it's really just a phantom, not the obvious, persistent, frustrating double image like the days before surgery. However, when I'm tired, like last night, it widens to about 40 degrees of double vision across the center of my view. I notice it changes too depending on focal distance. I am more apt to have double vision on objects closer to me than farther away. As I sit right now, I appear to have no double vision.

Something else that is more apparently affected by my tiredness level is my nystagmus (eye jitter). It is indeed better when I'm awake and alert, and I can actually focus on an object for a good few seconds before feeling the urge to drift. I can't tell you how amazing this is for me. It is a massive change. Oddly though, when concentrating on an object, I'm more aware of any double-vision. However, I also note that when I'm tired, like last night, the nystagmus goes out of control and, even with my eyes closed, I can feel them wildly jerking around. WORSE than before surgery. This of course makes it even harder to sleep, when I'm trying to be super still and feel these involuntary muscle spasms in the most sensitive spot. Apparently there are some exercises I can do to help this too, so when things settle down in the next month I will start exploring that in more detail.

On a positive note, now that my eye is clearing up, I must say I'm really really enjoying the sight of two straight eyes looking back at me in the mirror. It is a subtle yet powerful change, and, full disclosure, is one I yearned for my whole life, and never ever thought I'd see. And now it is THERE. However much I complain about the capriciousness of depth, I can still look in the mirror and BAM, remember that the immediate, visceral benefit of this surgery is right in front of / behind my nose. I will get into the psychology of all this in more depth later, but I already feel like some internal, super squishy emotional changes are happening.

More on this story as it develops. Have a great weekend, everyone.